The Impact of You

Chapter 28

Avery

“Enough moping,” Madison says, snatching the dirty romance novel from my hands. “Come on, you’re coming out with me and Noah.”

“But I was at the part where he spanks her for the first time…” Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. I also can’t believe I’m reading the book that Madison shoved into my hands after finishing it in one day. But she’s right, it is addicting.

“Told ya you’d love the smut. But you can read it later. We’re going bowling.”

I don’t want to give up the progress I’ve made, so I get dressed, add makeup and let Madison straighten my long, crazy hair. The girl in the mirror looks different, but she’s still me. Maybe even a better version of me. No longer terrified of being discovered, because the worst of that has happened – a guy I was falling for found out in the most spectacular fashion and hasn’t spoken to me since – and it can’t get much worse than that. So I’m done hiding in the dorms while my friends go out on the weekends. Maybe if I pretend I’m normal and not destroyed by Jase’ rejection, things will fall into place. Fake it till you make it. Right?

With the truth out in the world, I should feel freer. But the effect is more like a great burden. It’s no longer necessary to hide. I feel worse than ever. I should’ve had the guts to tell Jase. He was a big part of my healing, and he opened himself up a lot along the way, too. By keeping it from him, I cheapened the entire experience. If he is done with me, I at least want to keep our memories, but now they are soured with my own guilt and self-loathing.

When we reach the bowling alley, all promises of a low key evening go up in smoke. Delta Sig has rented out half the place for a private party. You have got to be kidding me. I pause at the entrance and Madison looks past me to the group of obnoxiously drunk guys taking up half the bowling alley.

“Did you know?” I turn to her.

“No. I swear. We can go somewhere different if you want.”

Noah takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “You’re not running away this time, love. You got this.”

I nod. “Yeah. Okay.” I think I can do this.

Noah pays for our lane while Madison and I go get fitted for our hideous bowling shoes. Madison leads the way back to our lane, which is thankfully on the opposite side from the Delta Sig guys. I don’t see Jase. It’s possible he’s not here. But either way, I know I won’t be able to relax with the promise of his presence looming in the background.

Seeing him in the flesh would force up feelings I can’t manage right now. I thought I was healing, but his presence assures me that was not the case. Far from it. I miss his hugs that lifted me clear off the floor, his stupid nickname for me, the sexy gleam in his eye when he wanted to kiss me…

I select a ball and when I turn, I spot Jase and Stacia across the room. Ugh. As if seeing him isn’t bad enough… Stacia wraps her arms around his waist and, even though his hands remain loose at his sides, he does nothing to stop her roaming hands from mauling him. The pain of watching them together stabs at my chest. Maybe I’d overestimated everything we’d shared. Perhaps he and Stacia have always been more than just friendly exes and I refused to see it. Just as Stacia pointed out to me once before, he and I were never exclusive. That doesn’t mean the ache of losing him hurts any less. Especially the way it went down. The icy look in his eyes, the flat tone of his voice – I’ll never forget that.

Jase leans down and whispers something in Stacia’s ear and she bursts out laughing, swatting his arm. Watching this doesn’t help my heartache any.

I set the bowling ball down before I drop it on my foot, then I turn to Madison and Noah. “I was wrong. I need to go.” I have to get out of here before I do something awkward, like start crying in the middle of the bowling alley. Lord, this is ridiculous.

They exchange a glance and nod in silent understanding.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Noah agrees. “These shoes are a total travesty with these slacks.” He makes a point of looking down at the multi-colored shoes and bright red skinny jeans in disgust.

I smile at his half-hearted attempt to make me laugh. I link my arm with Madison’s and tuck my chin to my chest, hoping that Jase won’t spot me fleeing into the night.

* * *

I am done with lying. So when I call my dads requesting they drive my car up to campus, I could tell them I’d changed my mind about wanting my car with me, or that I got a part time job off campus, like I’d talked about doing. But instead, I make them both get on speaker phone and I tell them the truth. I’ve been in contact with my birthmom through email and am planning to go and meet her in Denver during our upcoming school break.

Their silence is the longest ten seconds of my life. They ultimately agree, saying they knew I’d want to do this eventually, that it’s only natural to wonder about where you came from. Humans are wired to want to understand their identity and lineage. They don’t like the idea of me going alone, so it takes some convincing, but eventually they come around. I’m not quite sure they are completely onboard with the idea, because they worry about me being disappointed, or hurt, and not to mention driving halfway across the country by myself. But I insist and they relent.

They drive into town on Sunday to drop off my reliable little red sedan, briefly meet Madison and Noah, take me out to lunch and spend the afternoon plotting out my route, covering safety basics on the road, and make me promise to call every day.

They’ve been way cooler than I ever imagined which makes me feel worse that I considered lying to them. I wonder if they would react so well if I’d kept this from them, and they found out later, from someone other than me. No, I know they’d be livid if that was the case. I can’t help but see the similarity about how Jase had found out about my past. I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, and his reaction told me everything. I wonder if things would be different if I’d just told him myself from the beginning. It’s too late now. Jase has cast me away like some diseased whore. I am damaged goods in his eyes, and I shouldn’t be pining over a guy who doesn’t want me. Of course, I wish it was that simple. My body still remembers his touch, and my heart still aches over what has been so cruelly ripped from me.

My computer pings with a new email, and for a brief little second I wonder if it is from Jase. Crossing the room, I stare at my computer screen in disbelief.

Brent? Belongs to (N)ôvel/Drama.Org.

Why is he contacting me? He went away to school in Florida on a basketball scholarship. At one time, I thought it would suck going to college in two different states. Now, an entire ocean isn’t far enough.

I click on the message.

Hey Avery,

You’ll probably delete this without reading it. I know I don’t deserve the chance to explain, but I’ve been thinking about everything lately and I wanted to apologize. I did care for you, and I never meant for things to get out like that. I showed a couple guys from the team your sexy photos and, before I knew it, they were everywhere. For what it’s worth, I am sorry. I know your senior year sucked after that. You’re probably over it, but I wanted you to know.

Brent

I hate that I’ve been carrying around so much hurt and anger for two years. I hate that I’ve allowed him to rob me of any time. It sounds rather stupid now that I think about it. I delete the message without responding, deciding I’m done wasting my time on asshats like Brent. I’m over wasting any of my time worrying about crap I can’t change. Straightening my shoulders, a slow smile curls on my lips. This is a whole new Avery. I am woman, hear me roar!